Living Well

Abuse is as Abuse does

Posted on: September 16, 2012


10 Responses to "Abuse is as Abuse does"

unlike physical scars
scars of words grow even if they are invisible
I can still hear the past ones as if it were today
I don’t react to them anymore, for I don’t want to feed that energy and bring them back to life…but they are still there more vivid than my physical abuse scars…
I think when people can look past the outer scars, even their own, they will realize which one stays and influences our decisions in most day to day moments
good post Nina…
Take Care….


as one ex said to me

“we don’t come hermetically sealed”

but really, we don’t need to punish people for past events that they had no part in.

and as you said, keeping the past alive and still hurting you

one thing that I have really learned is that suffering is optional. and too many people exercise that option.

I was told once I held onto the past because I don’t react like normal abused people do…
I was never sure what was normal about not dwelling in the past…I wear my scars in silence where I am most comfort for them to be

what is a normal abused person supposed to act like?

that might be the bizarrest idea that i have ever heard.

one of the things that most hampered me in my recovery process was people trying to enforce whatever they thought was normal onto me

without ever considering what was actually going on specifically to and with me.

My ex-husband emotionally abused me for 22 years. When our girls were babies he slapped me across the face. I was pregnant and he cornered me up against a wall while I was holding our baby. His mom justified it by saying it didn’t count cause his hand was open rather then in a fist. He constantly would tell me I was worthless, fat, that no one liked me, and I had no reason to live. Towards the end of our marriage he tried over and over to convince me I was “too broken” to love. I am so grateful to be finally out of his control. Each day “his distrubing voices” in my head grow less and less. I can’t stand the idea of anyone having to suffer through emotional abuse. Thank you for writing this article and bring attention to this “real problem”.

Thank you for sharing your story

and you are kindly welcome for any comfort gained

yes, at least it’s true, the voices that are not yours that tell you unpleasant and untrue things about you, do fade over time

as your own voice takes hold and …

mostly where I am now is forgiving myself for staying as long as I did, recognizing the slippery slope and the choices that made sense at the time, in the moment

but when viewed from the longer relationship. seeing the pattern

forgiving yourself, kindness and gentleness, starts with the self

Wow thank you I needed that! I need to forgive myself. I am struggling with that. My daughters are 18 and 21 years old. I thought for so many years I was doing the right thing for them even though they asked me so many times why I stayed with their dad. When I finally followed through with the divorce he threatened suicide in front of my girls. Manipulating them to feel sorry for him. Although we are all healing now. I am still troubled by the example I set for them. I don’t want them to follow in my footsteps. I wish I would have stood up for all of us earilier and spared them so many years of raw grief.

Yeah, a person who threatens suicide to control a relationship.

That’s really the ultimate red flag.

Best to be away from him for you and your girls. they don’t need to see a parent that out of control.

The important thing is that you did set a good example. You stood up for you and for them.

You made the decisions and the changes that you needed to get to a place of health.

That’s what your girls will remember, the take away is to avoid those people before you get into relationships with them.

And to have the courage to walk away if someone got by your radar.

They will remember and be inspired by their Mom, who put their needs before her own.

I have been aquainted with too many women who did horrible things to occur just to hang onto a partner. most usually a man.

but no man is better than a bad or inappropriate man.

or same gender partner.

either way.

you did the right thing and that’s what matters at the end of the day.

now you have the opportunity to do a debrief, best practises and lessons learned to leap frog your daughters

If you’d like, you would even an “A Mom’s advice to teenagers” and I’d be happy to publish it on this blog

Each of us learns something in life that’s worth passing on, so why not pass along your memes to the world

as well as imparting those and your genes to your offspring?

Thank you! That is excellent advice. I did start a blog. It’s about heroes. But advice to teenage girls is so important to me. Before my ex chased us out of our home. My home was the place where displaced girls would stay (my ex luckly only was in town on the weekends) my blog is . Writing is excellent therapy but my conversation with you has given me an enormous boost. Thank you

you are most kindly welcome meinventing.

I’m doing some of that myself. I went from 1 blog to 5

although, one I have wound down, while I decide to archive or revamp it as current poetry. ……

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